Dear Michael Corte

It's been 8 months now without you. I'm not going to lie it's been hard. I miss you everyday. I known you since I was 15. Our meeting is a whole other story.... but really beautiful. What do you do without the one person that has help you to grow up and change? I still don't know. I go to work and I try to draw and invent and remember the person I knew and that you knew but you molded me. No one could ever make me laugh the way you did. Such a bright soul you were. Our tale is a beautiful one. And a sad one. I told you before you passed that you were (reguardless your pain through the cancer) the lucky one. Because myself and many others would miss you. And I have to live everyday missing you. There's a lot of pain with that. I asked you time and time again "how do I do this without you?" You were my heart, my creativity, my soul, my alter-ego, I need you. And you always smiled and said, " I promise I will come back to see you. You will be taken care of. I'll find someone to help you and that will love you as much as I do." And you did. I see you in dreams more in the beginning. Not so much now. In my dream I am walking down a sidewalk talking to you. I overhear other people asking who I'm talking to. Only I can see you. You tell me that if I'm sad you're sad and not to cry anymore. I feel down the stairs a week after your funeral. I had a heart shaped bruise on my arm. I smell you in the mornings sometimes. I feel you hold me at night. I get woken up by it.
You were so funny and handsome. Everyone loved you. Your talent people don't even know. I am so lucky to have had someone like you. I remember when you got diagnosed you cried because you were going to lose your hair. And when I cried you held me and said the most profound things. You were something else. Almost inhuman. You made me believe in myself. You made me believe in love and happiness and I could never thank you enough for that. I've been a shell of who I once was. I miss you. You let me know my art was worth it and my writing was good. You believed in me when I couldn't believe in myself. There aren't enough words to explain who you are to me. But I'm traumatized. You got skinny. You lost your hair. Lauren heard you cry at night. Seeing you cry broke my heart and I still can't piece that together. Your left side of your face was paralyzed and you couldn't talk. You had to write things down. The last sentence you told me was "you're beautiful." You threw up everyday. You had to drink out of a straw. I made you do yoga when you had the hiccups and you hugged me cuz you didn't want to do these things anymore. All this from someone who was so independent and smart, talented, handsome, amazing, and who was my life. Your last words were "Mama it hurts." and I wonder how I keep it together. God. It's just so mean. I will never get over this. I cry because I miss you and because you hurt so much for three years. BUT you told me this one day because I was upset.

9:36pm

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Michael Frank Corte

It pains me to hear you and other people say that. I have fought through so much just to stay alive. No one will ever really know how hard it was, how much physical pain i went through, and how emotionally draining it was and still is. Next week i could find out i have cancer and there will be nothing i can do this time around to fight it. But you know, so what? I will continue to better myself, take care of my body, make dumb songs that no one will ever hear, draw pictures that no one will ever see, meet new people, make new friends, go out on my own without fear, without expectattions, search for love, and cherish the friends and family i have in my life. Chin up you beautiful, talented, funny, SMART, and unquie girl. life is what you BELIEVE it to be, its up to your imagiantion and NO ONE else. You are an original, there will never be another LNZ, I have loved from day one and will continue to do so until my last breath.

And you did. I love you Michael. Thank you for all that you made happen for me. I need to do better be better and live better, for others. People will remember you. I'm going to try. And I'm going to be that person you saw that I still can't see. Thank you so much for being anything and everything to me.